And as I slept


I was part of a tribe of gorillas, though we looked like some kind of gorilla-orangutan hybrid. We were at war with two tribes of yellow faced apes (I don’t know if these actually exist, but they looked cool). Everything was kind of in the style of the animation in “Madagascar.”

One of our tribe, Cameron, felt that he didn’t fit in. He joined one of the yellow faced ape tribes, and he was much happier. But we were still at war with them and that made me confused. There was a rule that if you could destroy the house of another tribe and/or find a skull on their grounds, you had beaten that tribe. We were packing up our house (inside a giant tree) because it wasn’t earthquake proof. We were going to live in a tent until we could find a new one. Cameron’s new tribe came and uprooted our house tree. We said it didn’t count because we were abandoning it anyway. In desperation, they hunted for a skull on our grounds. We let them. They found a plastic skull from a christmas cracker. That didn’t count either.

I found a nice new tree and was about to eat a leaf, but my tribe-mate stopped me and said it was poisonous. Indeed, the tree was made from plastic. It started to rain.

I watched reindeer run through the forest. As the rain got heavier, the plastic was eaten away and eventually turned into real forest. Then the apes were polar bears and they ran through the forest to find a real tree to live in.

I was one of the polar bears when we arrived at a holiday house. My polar bear friend was wearing a beanie and peeked inside.

“The one house we find is packed full of fatties.”

We thought it would be a good place to pitch our tent. Somehow we made a crashing noise and we froze, hoping the fatties wouldn’t come out to investigate.


There was a reunion at my primary school, but it was more like a camp that I was helping run. My eyes were swollen. The first night I ran a reading/writing workshop, and afterwards everyone referred to me as a “WWII History Expert.” Rata was with me, and Kauri stopped in to say hi. They comforted me about my eyes, which I think was a terminal illness.

I was trying to set up my tent and find the pie I had set aside (which involved sorting paint) when I spotted a little girl trying to climb the fence to the prison next door. I had to physically restrain her, and she hit me and kicked me and suggested a WWII History Expert like me should be spending  my time more appropriately than watching children.

When got her back to her bedroom (which was in a room off the school hall), she was an adult and drunk. I had to put her to bed. She wanted her bra off and couldn’t do it herself, so I had to struggle with the buttons and zips and hooks. Then I had to help her put on a pink bra, but she didn’t want me to see her breasts, so it was very awkward. I had to take my top off and I was wearing a pink bra too. I put my top back on but it was backwards. I tried to turn it around but it was extremely tight and I couldn’t move it. The girl was now a teenage boy and he had his cellphone camera out. My breasts fell out of my bra and he tried to snap a photo, but it didn’t work. The other woman walked past in her underwear and he got a photo of that. He seemed to think he could blackmail me with that, but I wasn’t worried. He had snuck into the office and checked my records, and asked me about my past boyfriends.

“You’re not still with those losers Richie and Grant are you?”

“Am I married to either of them?” I replied with disdain.

I was involved in a video game shrouded in secrecy. I had to house sit for the owner of the game after his printing business was closed down. In the game, I had to hide in a garage until somebody said “Scooby Dooby Doo.” I let him in and I saw the dragons hatching, as well as the decoy scooby doo stuffed toy. I emerged from the other end of the garage, where there were stuffed toy dragons (also decoys), and the man’s young son came out of the house with a baby goat dressed up as a dog. They came with the house while the man was away.

Our supplies for the game were in the other garage. It had encrypted signs on the wall. I understood them completely. I had to restrain the boy and the dog when they discovered the stash of jelly beans in the garage.

Shapelle was very good at the video game. I couldn’t figure it out.


Oh my goodness I had the weirdest dream last night.

I thought to myself when I woke up, “I must write that down.” I didn’t write that down.

Here’s what I remember:

I was queuing for entry into an elevator that would take me to the top of the Empire State building. There was only one other person in the queue. She was eyeing the ticket operator, who was Shaun. They seemed to be flirting with their eyes, but by the time she’d bought the ticket, she was disgruntled at the price and apparently a whole lot of other things and tossed the words “You’re despicable” over her shoulder to him as she entered the lift.

I said to Shaun, “That’s a shame, she definitely liked you. Wait, we’ll see if we can make it better.” So instead of going up the elevator, which had turned into a mining shaft, I waited until the girl came down and exited from the elevator on the other side of the ticket booth. It only took a few seconds. As she walked past, I said to Shaun, “Why are you working here? What happened to teaching orphans in Vietnam and China?” The girl’s face lit up.

Suddenly Shaun’s father was there “What? Shaun never worked with orphans! That would be contrary to his promise to me to follow me in rail and construction!” Shaun looked surprised and guilty. I left with the girl.

Outside, I said to her, “Shaun’s actually nice, I had no idea his father was so hard on him.” In reply, she said, in a hushed voice, “His family is trying to rig the bulls. They hate everyone. They’re only after money. The uncle isn’t so bad. See if you can find him. Look in the spy hole.” And she left.

As I walked home (I was in a sunny quiet village in Mediterranean Southeast Asia), I looked out for spy holes. When I saw one in an orange wall, I went to look inside, but someone stepped out of an alleyway. He said to me, “Just in time. The secondary teacher has just taken over. We have to move fast.” We went inside the orange building. It was a kindergarten. The baby koala told me “Panda has masturbated 84 times since last night!” Everyone seemed impressed by this. The baby panda was sitting in a tub away from the other baby animals, with his paw inside his nappy, moving about. The man who had brought me inside said “But where does it all go?” Baby grey kangaroo pointed to the wall. It was dripping with transparent slime.

The main teacher came back and the man and I had to pretend to be auditors. I began to sing a song with the children, who were in a classroom I recognised from my primary school, but were all different nationalities. I had to hand out their books, and I didn’t know which child was which.

Kindergarten finished and I ran outside for my rendezvous with a man who could help us save the bulls. It was Matt. He looked like he was trying to be Brad Pitt. Most people thought he was. He said, “I’m staying with my friend. He has 54 spare beds at his place. I want to catch up with him.” He was surprised that I had my own place to stay, and a car called Lulu.


I was quite upset when I woke from this dream at 5am this morning.


I was in my pyjamas, walking very slowly (I hate sleep paralysis) through a group of boys from high school in the 6th form common room. They were making rude remarks like “Ew, she’s so fat.” and “No high heels!” and “What a loser.” Jenny and Alisa came through the doors and walked with me and the boys stopped. They told me that because I’d come home late at night, the boys thought I was a prostitute.

Later, I was talking to Ngaio about how they made me feel awful, even when their comments were lame (“No high heels!”).

That night, I was walking along a street and the same boys surrounded me, dragged me into the road and beat me up. One of them pulled a knife and stabbed me in the side. They ran away and I was left bleeding on the dark road with traffic coming towards me. I hoped that I hadn’t lost too much blood: that I could be saved and wouldn’t have to die.


Those library books are obviously playing on my mind.

I went to the library, only it was a completely different layout to any library I’ve ever been in. I leaned over the counter and gave Tina my card, asking her to tell me if any of my books were due back in the next week. Shapelle was there, happy and bubbly, only everyone called her Lindsay. I felt slightly envious that Shapelle had gotten a job at the library so soon after returning from London, and I’d been back all year and hadn’t heard back from them.

I asked to renew a book that was due back soon. As proof that it had been renewed, they gave me a manila folder (like the cards Andrew made everyone years ago), and Maia leaned over Tina’s shoulder to watch her stamp it. It took Tina a while, but eventually she realised the stamp was of a giant happy turtle. Maia giggled and said “I love how happy you make Lindsay with your reaction to that turtle. Every single time.” Shapelle did a little twirl as she walked between shelving trolleys.

My brother Andrew had taken my library card to renew my books, then was questioned because the books he wanted to get out were on a different subject than the ones I had out. “You always put them on the same receipt,” he said, “Even when I use two different cards.” They apologised.

Scott from highschool was following Shapelle around behind the counter. I remembered that earlier we had been redecorating a room when a coin slot appeared in the wall we were plastering. Someone like Rumbleroar told us excitedly, “You put in a coin and open the door. It’s all dark and there’s a witch in there. If you’re lucky she’ll show you her gumboots.” Scott was so enthusiastic and kept going on the ride over and over again. At the library I asked “How much money did you spend looking at boots this morning?” He looked at me like I was stupid and said, sarcastically, “$1092.” Then he added “What’s wrong with you?” and chased after Shapelle. Tina and Maia had become the same person, and they looked at me with pity.


I was a mermaid! It was awesome. That’s about all I remember. Oh, and I kissed lots of people, guys and girls. At one stage I was in the office of the evil guy from Toy Story 3.


My mum told me I would have a massive fine from the library.

I was in the Link at uni, but it was different. The area near the girls toilets was full of comfortable seating. One of the books I had from the library was about a family who had fairy bloodlines.

I became the middle child in the family. My older sister and my younger brother had fairy characteristics. I didn’t. I took after our father. Something crisis-like happened, and we went to see the fairies. It was decided that my sister would become a fairy. She went to the rug on the floor and chose her fairy name. My little brother wanted to try, too, so they let him. Then the fairy said I should try. Everyone was surprised. I went to the rug and thought about my library books – I knew I’d renewed them online, so they weren’t overdue. I knew the first part of my fairy name would be Sola. The second part was supposed to be Seraphim, but I didn’t like that. While I was trying to think of something better, it was announced that I would become a fairy, not my brother or sister.

I had a huge pile of library books. I was walking to the library with them, but they kept slipping. I got into the library (which was where the Disability Services office is) and it was so noisy. I yelled “It’s a library, fucktards, shut the fuck up.” It was so noisy no-one heard me. I returned my library books one by one, wishing I didn’t have to because I hadn’t read them yet, but also knowing I didn’t have to because I’d renewed them.

I walked back to the comfy seat area. I saw Phoebe Smith. Her hair was tied in thick, soft pig tails. I was about to cry so tried to avoid eye contact but she followed me, trying to talk to me.

Somehow we ended up back at the library. I was looking for my book on the history of New Zealand literature. Phoebe realised I was upset. I said “Stephen Fry offers people the button. Only two people out of the couple of dozen he spoke to would press it. Most of them like their mania. I would press it. Because I only have the depression, not the mania. I’m manic depressive without the mania. I got cheated of the good bits.” [here’s the video I was watching just before I went to sleep last night]

I tried to pick up my NZ literature history book but it was a ripped up copy of a much smaller book I’d had. The librarian yelled at me “Emma! $132 for overdue library books! $20 just for pgdooglpdbg!” She showed me on the screen. I tried to tell her I’d renewed them online two days ago. She wouldn’t let me. I started yelling but she yelled louder.

I was disgusted that there was so much noise in the library.



There was a LOT going on last night. I tried to remember it all in the car on the way to uni, and had a fairly solid idea, but couldn’t write it down and now I’ve forgotten. I remember this from just before I woke up, completely unrelated to anything else I dreamt last night:

Mr Schue asked me what I wanted to see more of on Glee!

I said, “More Tina, and more Teen Jesus.”


I got up early and went for a run. I was glad that was out of the way


I kept a baby in the attic and I’d go up every couple of days to change its nappy. I forgot I had the baby, then I wasn’t sure if I really had a baby or if I’d just dreamed that I had a baby. I felt way out of touch with reality. I didn’t remember ever being pregnant, but the baby in the doll’s house was mine, so I must have been. I felt guilty because I had forgotten about it and left mum to look after it. She never complained, or even reminded me that I had a baby.

Then I had 4 children with curly red hair. One of them was going to meet their father, but I couldn’t remember which child I had had with the man who was coming to visit. He had red hair and wore a suit. I’d never met him before but he fell in love with me at first sight.